You might have heard the term postpartum rage or even experienced it yourself. Sometime after having a baby, you noticed a burning hot rage that erupted in the blink of an eye. Maybe afterwards you felt like a completely different person to the one you were just moments before.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Feeling shame and guilt after an episode of postpartum rage is completely normal.
What Is Postpartum Rage?
Postpartum rage is a sudden, intense surge of anger that can show up after having a baby. It can show up any time and is not limited to the first year of your baby’s life. It often feels out of proportion to the situation and out of character for you. Many mothers describe it as “coming out of nowhere” and then feel overwhelmed by guilt afterwards.
What Causes Postpartum Rage?
There are a number of reasons why rage might show up postpartum, and often it is telling us something important. Sleep deprivation, fluctuating hormones, strain in relationships, lack of support, unfairly divided mental or household labour and financial stress are all potential contributors to what some mothers describe as uncharacteristic anger or rage (Ou et al., 2022).
What Is Your Anger Trying to Tell You?
Anger has historically been taught as a “bad” or negative emotion. I have encountered many mothers who feel the need to downplay the intensity of their anger for fear of judgement, or who fear it themselves.
Underneath postpartum anger often lies an unmet need, a violated boundary or an unmet self-expectation. Some examples include:
An unsupportive partner or spouse
Compromising on your basic needs
Family not respecting the boundaries you’ve set
Not being able to achieve a goal you had intended
Having bouts of rage does not automatically make you a bad parent. If you are here on this page, it shows you are trying to do something about it, and that is a good first step.
What Can I Do in the Moment?
The first step is beginning to notice your triggers and becoming curious about the feeling. This allows you to explore the emotion without shutting it down. Ask yourself:
What was happening before the moment of eruption?
What thoughts were going through my mind?
What sensations did I feel in my body?
Becoming familiar with these patterns will gradually give you a bigger buffer between the build-up of anger and the moment of blind rage. In that gap, you can use strategies to keep your anger at a level where you can still respond rather than react.
Is It Normal to Feel Angry Around My Children?
Sometimes there is an expectation that anger, frustration or irritation shouldn’t exist, and that we should always be able to remain calm around our children. This will never be the case. As humans, we are bound to experience the full range of emotions throughout our lives.
The key is being able to experience these emotions on a manageable scale.
Is Postpartum Rage a Sign of Something More?
Sometimes anger is part of a bigger picture, such as postpartum depression or anxiety. It’s worth reaching out for support if:
Your anger feels frequent, constant or out of your control
You’re afraid you might hurt yourself or your baby
You’re experiencing intrusive thoughts, persistent low mood, or ongoing worry
Your anger is affecting your relationships or your bond with your baby
How Can Counselling Help with Postpartum Anger?
If you’ve been googling “why am I suddenly so angry” or “how to be calmer with my children”, counselling may be the answer for you. In therapy, we can explore together the hidden message your anger is trying to tell you, identify your triggers, and create strategies so you can begin to experience anger in a safe and healthy way.
You don’t have to wait until things feel unmanageable. In Australia, you can contact PANDA’s National Perinatal Mental Health Helpline on 1300 726 306, speak with your GP or child health nurse, or call 000 in an emergency.
